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Norm's Episode

Feb 9, 2011 • 3 comments • 1342 views


Hey, how did I get here?


Oh, yeah, I came down the stairs.  Well, let's get down to business.


"Are you comfy?"








”Look, I can't understand you with that dirty underwear in you mouth.  Why would you put dirty underwear in your mouth anyway?  Don't you know that's unsanitary?"


"hrhrhhhhhhmmmmofff mhhhrrfff mftff"


"Jesus Christ!  You really are stupid aren't you?  Let me take that out of your mouth for you!"


Norm found a pen and, without any gentleness, fished the underwear out of the Postman's mouth.


"There. Now that is better.  Don't you feel better?"


"You sick bastard!  Why the hell did you put your underwear in my mouth?!"


Norm looked down at himself and realized he was not wearing any pants or underwear but was still wearing his socks and wingtips.  Norm smiled.


"Oh, yeah.  I did do that didn't I?"


"You damn right you did!  I think I'll never get rid of that taste"


The Postman tried to spit but ended up just drooling down his chin.  He tried to shake the drool off his chin and ended up tipping his chair over and landing on his side.  The Postman sighed.


"That wasn't smart.  See, you're duct taped to that chair so there was no way you were gonna break your fall.  I should put you back but I think I am gonna leave you right there so hopefully, you'll learn a lesson."


"And just what would that lesson be?"


"Maybe that when you're duct taped to a chair in a stranger's basement you shouldn't try to spit and if you do, don't shake your head so hard that you fall on the floor trying to get it off your chin."


"Look, Norm, I've been your postman for ten years now so I'm not a stranger...."


"Oh, yeah"


"....and you really need to let me loose before you get in a lot of trouble.  If you let me go now, I'll forget the whole thing.  Ok?"


"Afraid I can't do that Mr. Postman..."






"My name is Doug, remember?"


"Oh, yeah.  Afraid I can't do that Doug.  You slept with my wife and I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson."


Norm tried squinting his eyes to show that he was mad but he just looked like he was constipated.


"Norm, you're not married."




"You're not married."


"Are you sure?"


"I'm sure.  I've been your postman for ten years, remember, and never once have I seen a woman in your house."


"But there could be."




"I said there could be.  Maybe she doesn't like strangers."


"Whatever, just let me out Norm."


"Can't do that Doug.  You slept with my wife so you have to be taught a lesson."


"You're not married Norm!"


"I could be."


"But you're not!  How could I have slept with your wife if she doesn't exist?!"


"I dunno?  How did you?"


"I didn't!  I didn't sleep with your non-existent wife!  Let me out, now Norm!"


"Nah, I don't think so.  And I really don't think you should be yelling at me.  Doesn't seem right."


Norm walked over to Doug and put the chair back on all fours.  He then picked up the underwear with his pen.


"No, Norm!  Don't put those back in my mouth!  Don't hrffhfrrrpf ffgghfhff."


Norm stood in front of Doug fully exposed trying to decided what to do with him when Norm's eyes rolled backup into his head.


Hey, how did I get here? 

Also appears in:

Short Fiction

WHERE does this stuff come from?
02.10.11 •
From my deeply sickened mind :)
02.10.11 •
comment deleted: 02.10.11
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