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A Half Self

Feb 1, 2012 • 6 comments • 2348 views

This feeling, so familiar. Demons awaken in my soul…again. They have never left though. They are always there. Half asleep in a deep slumber deep within, beneath the half smiles and the almost laughter! My demons, feelings that like to come unannounced, uninvited and extend their stay. And they stay…so present, so wholesome and whole they overtake the threads of my consciousness and play with my mind a marionette!

These feelings: heaviness all over my existence. Every inch of me crushed under the seamless weight. I'm moving at a glacier pace, carrying a backpack full of burden, rock solid burden. And I move in my place, un-forward, un-free...this feeling is rock cold.

It’s empty... Emptiness fills me to the rim, pours over through my skin in a stealth so intoxicating, slowly suffocating the smiles that were barely there. And now I'm heavy, and empty.

Those feelings, invisibly permanent, scarring and thirsty like demons ought to be... They hide in the lies I weave to conceal the darkness...consuming me from the inside in! They are constant...omnipresent. They are my only constant thing...

And I breathe, hoping the breath would sooth the fire burning within. And I breathe. The sound of my breath reminds me I am still here...temporarily. My life is temporary...like everything else worth having. My home is temporary, my happiness is temporary, my pain is constant. My whole life is a combination of hellos and goodbyes...3 homes so far and looking for the next. Like a bird I fly, but have no nest, no rest. Home is where the heart is, but my heart is lost...home is where I lay my head, but my head is spinning!

And I am red with anger; green with envy as I see the "wholes" walk around so complete and weightless...they are whole. I walk about so invisible, my heaviness so silent, my emptiness so quiet...a half soul, half heart living a half life...temporarily...

And I yearn; I yearn for the care, for the attention, for the consideration, for the affection. I yearn for the love, the passion, for the purpose. I yearn for a kiss that is not the last, for an embrace that is not the last, for a promise that will last. But then I remember, I am temporary, nothing ever lasts.

I am a half life, and I give that half away with every day that passes, with every night that unfolds I give my half self away. I miss but I'm not missed. I yearn but I'm not yearned for, I care but I'm not cared about...a half life, half heart, a whole emptiness...

And I sleep, for only in my dreams I am whole. In my dreams my demons are dead, buried underneath the rubble of a past life. In my dreams I am embraced, I am loved, I am wanted, I am needed, and I am the half life that found its other half. In my dreams I walk amongst the wholes, full of freedom, feather like, I sprint into a future so certain and bright. So I sleep, and maybe, just maybe, when I wake, I will find my demons gone, my heart found, my head calm and my half self...a whole


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Also appears in:

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Rola - can I say deeply moving , profoundly so , beautifully written , I 'feel' your words , 'the ominous' makes me feel . Our demons serve us when we become their friends or find out what they want - I think I can relate to being in the space of the half self. A great piece of prose !
02.06.12 •
comment deleted: 02.07.12
Dear Myles, thank you very much fro taking the time to read this piece and i truly appreciate your feedback!
02.07.12 •
"I miss but I'm not missed." You are missed my dear.
04.05.12 •
I am so glad to have found this remarkable piece. The feelings are articulated so beautifully. Thank you for sharing this.
02.18.14 •
Thank you so much Carolyn for taking the time to read it :)
04.23.15 •
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