The Bronzer Awards

Hey, I don't know if you were aware, but... ...Jake Gyllenhaal is Persian. Pass it on...

In honor of this revelation, I've come up with a list of others who have been shortlisted for The Bronzer Awards. The Bronzer Awards honors white actors who have somehow managed to be cast in films as non-white characters through their tremendous dramatic ability and their use of bronzer to give off that healthy, ethnic glow. While black eyeliner usage isn't necessarily a part of the selection criteria, it's bound to show up here and there anyway.

1. Angelina Jolie as Marianne Pearl in A Mighty Heart.

Pearl is mixed race (with Afro-Cuban and Chinese amongst her ethnic make-up), and Jolie is...the daughter of Jon Voight. She's got some Native American in her in that way that a lot of white folks in America do: barely traceable. Honestly, the only white celeb whose native ancestry I believe is Johnny Depp because he has unlocked the mysteries of defying biological aging which could only stem from a metaphysical, spiritual knowledge unbeknownst to the rest of us.

2. Iron Eyes Cody as every Native American you've ever seen.

Speaking of faux Indians, Iron Eyes Cody (born Espera Oscar de Corti, son of Sicilian immigrants), was the face of Native America as "the Crying Indian" in the infamous anti-litter "Keep America Beautiful" public service announcement.

He also played such iconic characters as Crazy Horse and Chief Big Cloud in films and on television. Apparently Native groups still got mad love for him and he lived his life as a Native person (even finding himself an American Indian wife). To which I say, "Okay..."

3. Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra.

Though Cleopatra ruled Egypt, a lot of scholarly debates pin her as ethnically Greek. But according to this 2009 Times UK article, a study done of the skull of Cleo's sis (whom she killed. Cold, girl...) "shows she had some of the characteristics of white Europeans, ancient Egyptians and black Africans, indicating that Cleopatra was probably of mixed race, too." With that said, Taylor -- as the daughter of two white Kansans -- needed that gold glitter and eyeliner in order to pull off playing Cleopatra, fo sho.

However, what is still a bit effed up: Cleopatra's renown beauty was personified by a white chick. Not saying the Liz Taylor wasn't a prime hottie of her time, but if we're going for one of the most legendary beauties in recorded history -- who just happened to be mixed race and probably brown -- then something in the bronzing powder ain't clean with this one.

4 and 5. Natalie Wood and George Chakiris in West Side Story.

In the greatest movie ever about how Puerto Rican gangs are way cooler than white gangs (seriously, why did the white kids think they could out-mambo the Puerto Rican kids?), Natalie Wood (born Natalia Zacharenko to Russian parents) and George Chakiris (born to Greek parents) played the famous Puerto Rican hermanos in this classic musical re-telling of Romeo and Juliet. Yes, the majority of Puerto Ricans are of European (Spanish) descent, which makes them white. Swarthy, but white.

But why would Tony's gang get all hot under the collar because he lusts after Maria, a white chick who has an accent, but inexplicably, doesn't speak Spanish? And why would her brother, who is also technically white and doesn't speak Spanish aside from "vamonos" care either? The West Side confuses me...

7. Bonus Asian addition: Richard Tyson as the future Genghis Khan.

There were some rumors swirling around that Mickey Rourke would be taking on a role as famed Mongol leader Genghis Khan in an upcoming movie. Which is just totally preposterous. Because there's already a Genghis Khan movie coming out this year starring Richard Tyson, a.k.a. the creep dad from Kindergarten Cop. Now that casting makes sense.

But I have to wonder: Whatever happened to Al Leong, the Asian American actor who played GK in one of the best historical films of all time, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?

Al didn't need no bronzer. And he tore up that sporting goods store in the San Dimas mall! I almost want to start a whole other award series: "The Best People of Color Who Play Similar People of Color." And the first honoree? Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai. Naturally.